lost keys

i have completely forgotten what it feels like to feel good.
i've been "happy" i know what it feels like to smile and laugh
i cant imagine feeling good. good vibes. no underlying fears. not having to second guess things and

to trust my instincts.
i've never felt so terribly terrible.
today i felt like there was a smaller person inside me screaming at the top of their lungs; not mine. theirs. the more i listened the harder it got to keep it inside but i couldnt release it because it was not my own breath. this person screamed and screamed and all of the noise and the breath and the heat built up against the inside of my skin until i could feel it ringing. i had to stop outside my door, press my hand against the frame and breathe deeply. i was afraid they were going to get out. i tried to think about work but every time i started a train of thought it was interrupted by escalating screams. my mind is supposed to be my own, yet head down on the floor it has pushed me to tears. nobody else can hear it.

this skin i barely even want anymore.

my mind has slid down my spine and is spread out throughout my body, i no longer think with my head but instead with my finger tips and my rib cage.

get outgetou getoutgetoutofme.