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sometimes when i get this way its hard to remember. its hard to get out and take control of my day.
i want to play but the other kids wont share their toys. i thought i could get by without the little girls and little boys.
i emptied my pockets. receipts, movie stubs, a coupon. proof. evidence.
i'd be a terrible lawyer because i cant even convince myself. i'd be a terrible doctor because i cant take care of my own health. i'd be a terrible lover.
shipskirtskadoodle. its these days that make you remember. remember me? remember that you cant forget those cheesey lyrics about forgetting to remember. now you're stuck. you take apart everything before you. step step step and you're left with only hard drives, circuit boards, rib cages, livers and spleens.
i used to write poetry but nobody wanted to read it. i used to take pictures but nobody wanted to see them. i used to. i used to. i cant because i used to. i can run back to what i know or i can fall at the blow of the unknown. its not easier. it doesnt hurt more or less. i just really really hate my past. i only midly dislike my present. and i try to not think about the future.
i joke.
but oh i wish i was serious.
i wish i wish i wish i wish i wish i wish i wish
i have the strength. i have the drugs i have them. i could have you.